Nude Taco
How I became a Gay Gringo
By Cal Avocado
©
2017 Roaming Gardens Press
Foreword
I am a Gay Gringo facing old age and
looking back on history through romance, especially one. I arrived in Mexico
bursting with dreams for love after 25 years in San Francisco and New York as
the AIDS epidemic began and burned through. Fulfillment came but not as I
hoped. My conflict is not wanting boundaries for love and sex in a world of
homophobia, disease, poverty and the nature of men. A world full of obstacles.
I planted my desires into
Paco like a container that would take them. Each event between us leafed into
possibilities and problems. My thoughts grew seeds of doubt and hope, and
rained and shined over them. He might not recognize himself from my point of
view and feel insulted as will others. These are my opinions. I’m not a camera.
Names are changed to blur identities, to protect the innocent from my
distrustful and hurtful speculations. Most people prefer a portrait of
themselves as a flower or a god, myself included. I present details without
vanity or consideration to hide ugly. I want the dirt of real history on my
pages. We name streets after ideas we support, not diseases we suffer, but both
are guides to living. The HIV crisis shaped my life. The empathy of biography
smells like real bodies, fresh or stinking. Biography is musty paper crumbling
apart in your fingers recalling original oils, delivering an unrepeatable,
nostalgic experience fiction cannot.
Obsession
It blows around my mind like a trapped bird
Trying to fly out my eyes like windows,
Arriving in Mexico
An outsider arrives
discovering strange boulevards and gardens in Mexico City and new pleasures like
tasting orange papaya and yellow mango for the first time. And Mexicans to
love. The one that stirs me today from a safe distance occupies the gaudiest
memory from the list. When we were near, it got hot, and thinking about him
mushroomed into uncontainable emotions and a desperate need for someone to hear
me talk, to get him out.
Like one empty night in San Miguel de Allende, a small city north
of the capital where I rented a room in the winter of 2002. On weekends, I
traveled down to Mexico City hoping to meet him, but I was back. It was Monday
and I went to a support group for the addicted and lonely, Alcoholics
Anonymous. I wasn’t alcoholic but it was available and anxiety qualified me.
Although the moderator was a straight man, a warning sign, I noticed he was
friendly with a lesbian type so I took a chance sharing, misjudging his
tolerance for confessions of one man’s loving addiction to another. Shortly
into my release he cut me off ordering, Who wants to go next? A
cold sweat and past insults ran through my mind. Foolish faggot, dicks
are for chicks.[1] Perhaps he meant no harm, or wasn’t repelled by me, but he became
a villain I resented. Usually I avoided inflaming homophobic prejudice by
keeping silent.
I was testing livability in
San Miguel for a gay man in the expat community and failing to find enough. In
New York, it had been easy to find support in the gay community but no gay
groups existed in San Miguel. So, I sought out an individual I'd met in his
40's like me, one partner of a newly arrived couple from rural California. It
didn't go much better with him and I was convinced the time it would take to
knit support in this town would not be worth it. He was out for a night time
cruise in the vacant central plaza where gay men covertly hook up. He grew up
in Texas where family had disapproved of his sexual orientation. His
relationship was open, and probably sexless. He was starved for some. I had
accepted an invitation to his house once. A laptop computer was conspicuously
placed in the entry way playing a porn video as I entered, as a hook. But I
wasn’t interested, somewhat annoyed, and ignored it.
Tonight, wasn’t different.
I wanted his ear not the cock he was offering. I'd returned from Mexico City
frustrated and Roger impatiently listened to me climb out of worry before
rudely cutting me off, You need to get on anti-depressants! He
was revealing his lack of interest. He didn’t want to listen but did want to
tell his story. I decided to hear it rather than be alone. In a tense
outpouring, he recalled a Prozac overdose in a California supermarket. He
squalled in his pants before making it to the bathroom. Naturally he was
embarrassed and it was dreadful, but I thought to myself how much worse it
would be if caused by a disease he couldn’t control, not an optional medication
he could dose down or exchange. He finished his story and left right away. It
was clear after two meetings, he’s too self-absorbed to listen to anyone. He
has scant potential to be a friend.
Becoming a Gringo
Every Friday I walked
through colonial San Miguel to the bus station for an enjoyable ride to Mexico
City. San Miguel always seemed delightful when I was leaving. I reluctantly
returned on Monday mornings knowing I’d feel isolated again. In Mexico City, I
spent the weekend at gay cantinas shedding 20 years of New York City striving.
In New York, it hadn’t been convenient to go to gay bars. Work or distance
interfered. Mexico was a long-crafted plan finally become reality. I'd left
before to faraway places. After high school from Phoenix to San Francisco and
eight years later, with just 2,000 dollars and a million in excitement, from
San Francisco to Manhattan. I was splitting ready to move in each case but
breaking off was excruciating. The fight for courage to go just a little
stronger than fear not to.
During my last years in New
York I took trips to Mexico that got longer and longer. It was so exciting,
turning off to sleep could be hard. My favorite destinations were Mexico City
and Oaxaca but I wanted the entire country and fantasized living where ever I
happened to be. Being a foreigner was interesting for many reasons, including
speaking Spanish, and the handsome men, a mixture of Spanish, Native American,
and African. Apart from the different culture and people was new scenery and
plants. Jungles as astounding as any northern forest I’d enjoyed. Mexico also
offered the comfort of familiar landscapes from Arizona and California I'd
grown up in, recalling home after two decades in New York. Finally, Mexico had
low prices.
I'd lie awake in bed unable
to sleep, Mexico City racing my heart, and get up tired the next day. It was a
huge city, too big to understand, and mine to discover. I'd felt the same in
New York and San Francisco each in its era, but they had gotten smaller over
the years. Here, I had the money to choose where I wanted to live, not forced
to last choices like in the former. If I had a tail it would be excited.
The Neon
Pyramid
After checking in my hotel,
I’d stroll to my favorite cantina in the weathered 700-year-old downtown, called
Tenochtitlan by the Aztec founders. And walk along the oldest street in the
Americas, the Mexico-Tacuba Road. I visited the Zocalo, the central
plaza, among the biggest in the world, before heading to the red-light
district. The roguish inner city blocks of the entertainment district are
festooned with brilliant neon signs naming timeworn hotels and uncertain bars.
Carnival lights pop out of the blackness; tangerine, pink, blue and green.
The heart of the
neighborhood is Plaza Garibaldi. The sleazy night life icon of the nation that
means mariachi party and streetwalker flash to all Mexico. Surrounding the
plaza of roving musicians are warrens of streets teeming with people navigating
sidewalks day and night. Stalls and carts sell tacos, advertised by the
sizzling sound and smell of raw meat dropped in boiling fat. Other stands sell
pirated merchandise and second hand goods. Speakers blast samples of music for
sale. More noise adds to the chaos from honking taxis and open doorways to
dance halls. Dirty, cramped stores sell beer, cheap alcohol in plastic bottles,
cigarettes and candy.
Plaza Garabaldi is
irregularly shaped with quieter extensions snaking off in a couple of
directions. Friday and Saturday nights, it's packed with free-lance bands
playing Mexican standards to clients who pay by the song. Walking through
sounds like an orchestra rehearsal. The sounds of different bands intersect in
muddy clamor as customers drink beer from rolling vendors. The moving carnival
in the center of the plaza continues along the periphery in cantinas and
restaurants with tables inside and out at higher cost for those who want to sit
down.
The most popular drink for
the party is the Caguama, a 32-ounce family size bottle of beer
that looks like a turtle, hence the name. Guard your belongings against
athletic thieves that might grab your phone or camera in the middle of a call
and run off. It happened to a gringo friend with me. Crime can escalate beyond
theft. In 2013 Malcolm X's grandson was killed here in a dispute. Avoided by
some, Plaza Garibaldi remains the rustic Mexican version of old Times Square in
New York before it was cleaned up.
A couple of blocks south of
the Plaza is a tattered theatre, Teatro Blanquita, on the main
street of downtown, El Eje Central, (The Central Axis). The Blanquita looks
calmly tethered to 1960, the year it opened. It's not unusual for buildings,
even important ones, not to be repaired in Mexico. The rundown venue features a
long running transvestite show presented by Frances, Mexico's most
famous transsexual, now deceased. She was recognized by millions from
appearances on chat television and her traveling show to all points in the
nation. Mariachi musicians line the sides of the wide boulevard outside the
theatre. The musicians dress uniformly in an old-fashioned costume of tight
black or beige embroidered pants, vest, and floppy bow tie. They chase cars on
foot, yelling and creating a ruckus with their arms raised and waving, trying
to sell themselves for a party elsewhere or a serenade right here alongside a
client’s rolled down car window.
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[1] Pun on slogan of General Mills
Breakfast Cereal, Trix: “Silly Rabbit Trix are for Kids!”
[2]
Gay slang for a non-Mexican who is attracted to
Mexicans.
[3]
Mexican slang for white skin.
[4]
Source:
Level & Trends in Child Mortality. Estimates Developed by the UN
Inter-agency Group for Child Mortality Estimation (UNICEF, WHO, World Bank, UN
DESA, UNPD).
[6]
Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome AIDS.
[7]
STI, Sexually Transmitted Infection
[8]
Social Science & Medicine 58 (2004)
2105–2118, Nicolas Sheon*, G. Michael Crosby, Pg. 2106
[9]
Alcoholics Anonymous
AA
[10]
Dive Bar, a dirty bar with drunks and cockroaches
[11]
Mexican slang for the United States; El Otro Lado The Other Side
[12]https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anexo:Estad%C3%ADstica_de_la_poblaci%C3%B3n_extranjera_en_M%C3%A9xico
[13]https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anexo:Estad%C3%ADstica_de_la_poblaci%C3%B3n_extranjera_en_M%C3%A9xico
[14]
GUADALAJARA, JALISCO (12/SEP/2016).- Siete mil extranjeros residentes en la Ribera de Chapala es
el dato aproximado que maneja The Lake Chapala Society, pero en temporada alta
suman hasta 17 mil
http://www.informador.com.mx/jalisco/2016/681677/6/preven-que-se-dupliquen-extranjeros-en-la-ribera-de-chapala.htm
[15]SAN
MIGUEL DE ALLENDE, Gto - Rocío Hernández Monreal / Edgar Amigón 03.03.2014
Hoy en día, de los 160 mil habitantes que tiene el municipio, 13 mil (8.12
por ciento) son de origen
extranjerohttp://www.elfinanciero.com.mx/sociedad/san-miguel-de-allende-paraiso-para-los-baby-boomers.html
[16]
Fresa or strawberry in English, slang for rich kid
[17]
Sexual Transmitted Infections
[18] Men
who identify as heterosexual, but secretly
have sex with men. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Down-low
[19]
El Tahur means Cardsharp in English
[20]
Person from Northern Mexico
[21]
Cuidadela originally was a cigar factory. Today
it is a library and park.
[22]
Group of people that
congregate in a public place for a period of time to protest or make demands.
[23]
Ring highway around Mexico City
[24]
Hoy en día, de los 160 mil habitantes que tiene el municipio, 13 mil (8.12 por ciento) son de origen extranjero
http://www.elfinanciero.com.mx/sociedad/san-miguel-de-allende-paraiso-para-los-baby-boomers.html
[25]
Según una encuesta del instituto de investigación CIDAC, de 2009, 4% de la población domina el inglés; para la
Encuesta de Bienestar
Autorreportado del INEGI de 2012 era el 9.4%, y según un estudio de Consulta
Mitofsky de 2013 el 11.6% de los mexicanos hablan inglés
Autorreportado del INEGI de 2012 era el 9.4%, y según un estudio de Consulta
Mitofsky de 2013 el 11.6% de los mexicanos hablan inglés
http://www.altonivel.com.mx/50607-bajo-nivel-de-ingles-reduce-competitividad-de-mexico/
[26]
People from the Mexican State of Puebla
[27]
People from the Mexican State of Sonora
[29]
Chilangolandia is slang reference to Mexico City, A Chilango is a resident of
Mexico City
[30]
Paid assassin, usually underage that won’t go to
prison.
[31]
Slang for drunk
[32]
Mexican slang for faggots, male whores.
[33]
APA, “Study finds sex differences in
relationship between arousal and orientation”: April 2003, Vol 34, No. 4, Print
version: page 51
[34]
Maria Paz Bermudez
“Situacion Actual de VIH/SIDA en Mexico,” Psicologia y Salud, Vol. 14, Num I: p
108, enero-junio de 2004
[35]“Representation in
Municipal Government” by Chris Tausanovich and Christopher Warshaw, March 2014,
American Political Science Review
[36]
Mexican
slang for faggot
[37]
African-American slang for faggot
[38]
Spanish nickname for Phoenix
[39]
Gallup, Countries Ranked by
Median Self-Reported Per Capita and Household Income, 2006-2012
[40]
Neighborhoods: The Hidden
Cities of San Francisco: The Castro, KQED, 2009
http://www.kqed.org/w/hood/castro/resourceguide/programhighlights.html
[41]
Alcoholics Anonymous.
The price of hiding and self -deception for your well-being.
[42]
http://www.pewresearch.org/daily-number/top-discrimination-targets-gays/
[43]
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewall_riots
[44]
July 29,
2013 US News and World Report,
http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2013/07/29/catholic-priests-its-empirical-fact-that-many-clergy-are-gay
[45] The number of Priests (in
thousands) vs the number of self-identified Catholics (in millions) using data
from cara.georgetown.edu: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Priest_shortage_in_the_Roman_Catholic_Church#/media/File:Gap_Between_Priests_and_Catholics_in_USA.svg
[46] evolution.berkeley.edu;
biology.unm.edu
[47]
Rictor
Norton, A History of Homophobia, "1 The Ancient Hebrews"
15 April 2002, updated 28 Febriaru 2012
[49]
Modeling HIV Transmission and AIDS in the United States, By Herbert W. Hethcote
and James W. Van Ark
[53]
Modeling HIV Transmission and AIDS in the United States, By Herbert W. Hethcote
and James W. Van Ark
[54]
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/02/04/nyregion/plot-twist-for-a-gay-bookstore-the-last-chapter-actually-isn-t.html
[55]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_sites
[56]
http://www.nyc.gov/html/doh/downloads/pdf/dires/epi-surveillance-aids07.pdf
[57]
pg 784 Encyclopedia of AIDS: A
Social, Political, Cultural, and Scientific Record. Edited by Raymond A. Smith
[58]
Metropolitan Museum in Ft.
Tryon Park, Upper Manhattan
[60]
Moving Toward Reduced HIV Incidence: How the San Francisco Experience Can
Inform National HIV/AIDS Strategy Implementation Grant Colfax, MD Director of
HIV Prevention and Research San Francisco Department of Public Health Stall, et
al. AIDS Behav, 2009 http://www.uchaps.org/assets/DrColfaxHHS.pdf
[61]
A person who frequently crosses the US-Mexican
border and feels at home on both sides of the border. A term used by Mexicans (frequently pejoratively) to describe Chicanos and those who have left Mexico
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pocho
[62]
http://www.catherinehakim.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/ESR-Erotic-Capital-Oct-2010.pdf
[63]
Tenochtitlan
was capital of Aztec Empire. Today the ruins of Tenochtitlan are located in Mexico City's downtown.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tenochtitlan
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